Beat

I wish you didn't fear death the way that I fear life.

Dear Friend,

I hear you.
I see you.
I can find you behind the masks you wear.
I wish you weren't so scared to let me in.
I wish you'd let me hold you close, hold you tight.
I swear I knew you before I met you.
I promise I won't break your heart, and
I promise to pray for you every day that you're away.
I'm not mad at you, and
I'm not upset.
I know you acted out of fear, and
I know you. . .I know you. . .I know you.

And I think it scares you that someone knows you.
But you don't have to be afraid because you are
beautiful, lovely, and sweetly broken.

I love you.

Soul

Break.
Fall apart.
Come undone.

It's the only way you'll get where you need to be. . .

Child

It's okay to fall.
It's okay to fall.
It's okay to fall.

Because I will catch you.

-IA

You're eating more,
and I'm eating less.
If this situation gets any worse, we just might have to confess.

The Fall

God damn the beauty, and
God damn the addiction that comes with it.

Cold Ground

I bury my face in the cement.
These scratches and bruises have long been coming.
And every scar has your name on it.

Beauty Within Trees

I hate how you've made
me fall in love with you. Your
soft spirit makes it
so easy to fly,
to soar, to just be around
you. I wish we did
not get along so
pathetically well. I
wish we didn't share
the same kisses. I
wish we didn't have the same
passions. Because we're
not perfect for each
other. In fact, it'd
be the worst pairing of two
people ever. . .they
don't make matches like
this in Heaven. Because it's
what we want, it's what
we'd like, it's what we'd
wish. And wishes don't come true.
I can't tell you how
many times I've wished
for you. I hate how you've let
me fall in love with you.

Call

You don't understand everything that causes this deep, dark depression within me, but you understand that my heart is breaking. And ultimately, that's all I want.

Far, Far Away

Love me now.
Love me here.
Love me in this moment.

Everytime

Just so you know, that smile kills me. . .everytime.

"But I will always
be the one that you need and
not the one you want."

Object

I wanted you to love me, but all you ever did was use me.

Let Me Be

Let me be angry.
Let me be mad.
Let me sit here knowing every thought I'm thinking is so horribly bad.

Then I will praise You.
Then I will sing.
. . .of Your love and how it set me free.

Point

You used to be so precious.
You used to be whole.
Tell me, fragile heart, what happened?
Was it the fall that did this to you?
Was it the fall that broke you in two?

Let me hold you while you're breaking.
Let me hold you while you fall.
Let me hold you in this darkness.
Let me hold you and make you new.

Reverse

I wish you weren't so beautiful.
I wish I didn't love you so.
I wish you could see that there's something you've missed in along the way. . .

"Is it true? Is it
real? Or is it a mask you wear
so the others will
think you're real? Don't quote
me, but I think I'm starting
to see a side of
you that you don't show
too often. And I
don't think it's a mistake. I
think you've waited for
someone you can be
yourself around, someone you
can drop the facade
around and not be
judged, someone you don't
lie to because she knows the
truth. You see it in
her eyes. You feel it in her
touch. She loves you. . .you."

Mother

The stars adore you.
And the wind is only a
slight metaphor of
how I wish I could
capture your dreams and soar to
the moutaintops where
you could see them come
to life. The sun smiles down on
you, and this light you've
shone, will forever
shine in my life. You have made
the impossble. . .

possible.

Scottish

Why did you put your soul in my hands?
I want to love you.
And I want to trust you.

I'm getting there. It's not as easy as they say. It's not easy at all this way.

Kleptomaniac

You will always live on the tips of my fingers. No matter how close we get, you will never be in my grip. I will never fully have you.

"And for once, we shared
a moment. But it was a
moment meant not for
us. It was made for
another two--two who had
fallen, two who knew,
two who had given
themselves over to a love
that was not of them."

Sketch

You still move in my blood and beat within my heart.
You are eternally etched in my heart.
I carry you with me wherever I go.

I thought I'd lost you. I thought you were dead. But you live on in my art.

My Secrets & Promises

She doesn't regret giving you a kiss every morning at five a.m.
She will always play with her hair when you ask her "Why?".
She gave you everything she had.
She doesn’t want it back.
You can walk away at any moment, and she’ll let you go.
She’s loved you from the moment she met you, and she still does.
She knows how to love from a distance, and if she has to for the rest of her life, she will…just so you will find your way.
She doesn’t want your money.
She can’t tell you her biggest fear because she knows one day she’ll have to face it.
She knows so much about life, even more about death.
She craves silence.
She wishes you well.
She won’t drink too much unless she thinks of him.
She can find her way out a maze.
She knows how to get her heart broken.
She mourns for you when you hurt, but she’d never tell you.
She can tell you're destroying your life, and your best friend can't even tell you your favorite color.
She has open arms and an open heart that are waiting for you, day and night.
She prays for you before she prays for herself.
She still paints him pictures and leaves them on his doorstep in the middle of the night.
She still thinks you are worth saving.
She still thinks you'll come around one day.
She’s a whore and a fool for ever having loved you.

I am a whore and a fool for ever having loved you.

Little Sparrow

She's not afraid of anything, and it scares you. You think that one day you'll lose her to the beautiful free spirit that she is. But this is the very thing that draws you to her. Let her fly; let her soar. She will always come back to you.

She sees that you are scared.
All she's asking you to do is to trust her.

In The Pain You've Found Healing

I think there is this underlying strength in your spirit, and one day we're all going to need it.

Like Coins We Will Fall

I've discovered a treasure that isn't easy to let go of. I mean, come on, what treasure is? Maybe I'm just selfish, and maybe I just know a good thing when I see it, even when it's hidden and covered in dirt.

To End It Now, We'd Be Foolish

Troubled heart, you're still beating.
Troubled heart, this means there is still hope.
Troubled heart, don't give up now.

I Am Not

She's your world; I am not.
She's your beauty; I am not.
She's the one who makes you laugh; I am not.
She's the girl who takes your breath away; I am not.
She's sane; I am not.
She's the girl who's got it all; I am not.
She's holding you; I am not.
She's the kiss on your lips; I am not.
She's the hand on your chest; I am not.
She's the smile you wear; I am not
She's the one who's worth it; I am not.
She's the girl who slow dances with you under the street lights; I am not.

I am not. I never will be, but damnit, I used to be.
And that is simply something I can not get over.

Charm Bracelet

For once, I won't react impulsively.
I'll stand by your side and cling to every word you say as truth.
Innocent until proven guilty, right?

I'm praying to God there's no proof.

I'm a Mess

I am so afraid of messing up and making mistakes.
I am so afraid of messing up and making mistakes.
I am so afraid of messing up and making mistakes.

"But that's what you have
saved me from. Thanks for getting
messy with me. I
have this tendency
to spill, break, and cut. But you
are here with me; you
found me. I am so lost, so
confused. Shine your light."

Like The Pill That You Are

I'm a user, and I just can't stop using you.

Star Rock

They expect so much out of you, like perfection.
And the fact that you wrote a song about being a mess doesn't change this.
You're not one to come out of your shell in social situations so you avoid the groupies altogether.
You'll continue to tell people you're not innocent-- that you've got enough guilt to carry the Empire State Building over the seas and back. You'll tell them until they believe you. But they won't; they'll never believe you.

I do.

Little Angel

Little Angel,
there is something special about you.

Heart

Everything was perfect.
Everything was clear.
Everything was right.
Everything was good.
Everything was warm.
Everything was peaceful.
Everything was. . .

Nothing is perfect.
Nothing is clear.
Nothing is right.
Nothing is good.
Nothing is warm.
Nothing is peaceful.
Nothing is. . .

Soon it will be perfect.
Soon it will be clear.
Soon it will be right.
Soon it will be good.
Soon it will be warm.
Soon it will be peaceful.
Soon it will be. . .

Hit. Hard.

"Never has she been
here before. It's low, low, low.
And her only chance
of surviving is giving up
all she's got, all she's
ever known, all she holds dear.
Don't be surprised if
she's down for a long time. When
you take a blow like
that, it takes your whole life to
recover. . .let go."

And More

He said that I was an angel to him.
He said that I was everything he had never known before.
He said that I was different.

He was everything I'd already had, and I still wanted more.

I Kept His Secret

The treasure I've discovered within you is beautiful, beautifully hidden.
There's a gold mine within your heart.
And one day, I will tell you.
But you must discover it first.

I Guess She's Just Afraid

Why is it that lightning always strikes just before I fall down?
And why does it never fail to rain as I struggle to get up?
Air never felt so slippery.


"When you put forth your
hand, it surprised me. No one
has ever saved me."

When the Dust Finally Settles

This hurricane never gets old,
never gets old,
never gets old.

Wind is My Friend

I think you heard my heart.
You see why I lash out and rebel against the fraudulent sacrifices of these lies.
Never would I put my life on the line if I didn't believe and know the truth.


...and now you see.

Silver Fails in Comparison

I find myself here all too often, at the bottom of the barrel, with this impossible regret. What's it going to take to be on top again? I think I'm an expert faller.

But remember those of us who fall still have a heart; we still have drive; we still have passion. We've still got what it takes. We're just not afraid to fall.


"And though it's all been
taken away, I am no
less of a person.
If anything, I've
gained more than you'll ever know.
It's my own secret."

Yellow Roses

Maybe.
Maybe one day I'll understand your love for me.
It's something I run from, and it's something I embrace at the same time.

"And like a drum beat
you consume me, there is no
rhythm, no tempo,
no melody, no
harmony without you. Please
don't stop the music."

Red Wood, Blue

I want so badly to believe there is good in all of us.
More than that, I want to believe there is good in my own heart.
But I have my doubts; and sometimes, my doubts get the best of me.


"It's not so much my
innocence was stolen; it
was bartered for guilt."

Red Jell-O

I just wish you could understand.


"Never have I felt
so unaccepted as when
you laughed in my face
because you don't have
dreams like I do. And that's not
an excuse. It's fact.
I pray you find your
smile again. And when you do,
remember my eyes.
They'll be the only
ones that won't turn away in
desperate hours."

Between Death And Life

I just need more time.
And then I'll have enough courage, and I won't scare you away from loving me.
We could be beautiful. Oh, we could be beautiful.

Who Told You Every Disaster Was Beautiful?

Save me from myself.
I'm so afraid I'm going to tear this fragile little life by the seams, and when it is found, it won't be able to be put back together.
Broken. I am broken. I will always be broken.

"Vodka won't fix this
kind of broken. Yet it will
numb it, however
it pleases. And from
there, I'll stumble across the
courtyard into an
unescapable
paradise where birds sing and
bow down for the sun."

Not Kidding

I don't know if there will ever be a day where you won't judge me for all the things I've done.
The silly thing is I'm okay with that.

When Drowning Became The Only Way To Live

Part of me hopes that faith is blind; the other part of me hopes it's true. I gave up wrestling with you a long time ago, but you won't leave my doorstep. None of these secrets are safe inside my head, and I've given up on my heart. Crossing these train tracks will be the hardest thing I ever do, but I never belonged on the right side anyway. I'm a troublemaker, a whore, and a slave to these demons. But you invite me in, you ask me to stay, and you ask me to join you at the table of friendship. You share a meal with me, and we are in bondage forever. Like balloons floating in the open sky my secrets far outweigh the clarity of a sunny day. You take the secrets I have carried, and I am now left empty-handed. I am left with nothing. And this is how it should be.

"You invade me like
a volcano. With nowhere
to run, I fall down.
I've been waiting for
someone, someone like you to
save me. . .just in time."

We've Shared The Same Moments

It was a grand and unique love.
You really loved her.

Who am I kidding? You still love her.

"There will never be
another look I want so
much from you as the
look that will let me
know you are over her and
have forgotten her. "

So Deep, so deep

You really know how to cut a person deep, real deep like soul-baring wash me away use me up and recycle me only to be used again, and again, and again. I am sorry that I care so much about you, and that I poured so much of my life into you. And I am so sorry that I ever left your side. I thought you could fly, and I thought you'd be waiting for me when I returned. I hope you love the new friends you have, and I hope they love you. But they don't know you like I know you. You're messy, ugly, and flailing about not knowing where to look for guidance. This is who I know you to be. They know you as the prep school polo shirt wearing, tie-tying boy with a smile he only wears to suffice the pain inside never because he's really happy or joyful. I've seen you smile before, truly smile. And I've seen you cry; I've seen you completely lose it. Your soul was naked and bare. You were once broken. Tell me, who put the pieces back together? Because they're out of place, and the glue you used is starting to peel.

I'm the only one who sees this. I'm the only one who sees you. And I love you.

"When did I become
a stranger to you? Will I
ever see open arms
again? It's okay
to be angry. I just want
your friendship again."

Caught In The Wind

I don't know the first thing about being holy.
But I know the first thing about love; it's unconditional.
I've made a mess of this life, and I can't clean it up.
Help me.
Walk with me.
Hold me.



"Sit with me in my
pain and sorrow. Heal these wounds.
Get messy with me."

Skeptic

Just believe.
Sounds simple.
And it is.

Don't let yourself get in the way.

Boston

I think the only reason I like the taste of Michelob Ultra is because it was always on your lips.

"Because a statue
wouldn't do you justice. It'd
have to be colder.
A brick in the thick
of winter would carry your
name quite well, my love."

Longer Life

I'm sick.
I'm obsessed with you.
I'm over it.
I'm not going to call you ever again.
I'm on the phone with you again tonight.
I swore I'd never make-out with you in your backseat again.
Here we are your hand up my thigh in your backseat again.
Let's promise to never see each other again.
And tomorrow we'll be on the corner of Greene and Harden at 4 a.m. with our hands behind our backs and nothing to say. But you'll catch my eye at just the right moment, and I'll give you five more minutes.


Would it scare you if I told you that I live for those last five minutes?

Wishing Well

I kind of hope I fall to the end of the well in the final push of our fight. Who wants to walk the earth with a hypocrite like you?

Cannibal

Which hat do you want to wear today?
Your disguises are slowly but surely giving you away.

Time Stood Still

"If we pass each other
on the street, don't look me in the eye.
Because I gave up a long time ago."

Yellow Funeral

Give her a reason to live because she'd rather die.
Give her a reason to feel because she'd rather be numb.
Give her a reason to hope because she'd rather get by on cold cigarettes and despair.
Give her a reason to sit by the fire because she'd rather walk on ice.
Give her a reason to trust because she'd rather doubt and hold back the wind.
Give her a reason to breathe because suffocating is the norm in this broken town.
Give her a reason to swim because drowning is all she knows.



"She spoke his name too
soon. But that's just like Jenny,
never settling down."

You're Lovely...And Free

I think the way you laugh is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen or heard in my life. I wish I was surrounded by your joy all of the time.

You'll Never Know

You're like a rollercoaster, but I'll never know the full extent because I took that damn seatbelt off halfway through the ride just so you'd know what it looks like when someone breaks free and their whole life is at stake.

Uncovered

She's a mystery to you. But you'll be damned if you don't figure her out, even if it takes the rest of your life.

Scale

When a woman loses control it's like the finest red wine exploding from the local street corner fire hydrant, no one really wants to put it out because it's so fascinating to watch and eventually it starts sending water to places that have been dry for so long. Last night she flipped out on you, and you couldn't handle it. She spoke the truth, and you were scared she was going to leave you. She wants more. She's always wanted more. You're used to the mundane; she's always been free. You're holding her back, and you know it. Let her go, let her breathe, let her be. She was never yours to begin with.

"you can't cage a bird.
they always find a way to
fly. escape. live free."

Walk Away

Pretend (verb): To deceive; to allege or profess insincerely; to give a false appearance of.

I'll pretend I didn't hear your heart skip a beat when I said your name.
I'll pretend we didn't have a connection.
I'll pretend that I never wanted to kiss you under the stars that night.
I'll pretend that I don't see your face every morning when I wake up.
I'll pretend that you're not the only one who knows how to make me smile when all I want to do is cry.
And you can pretend there's someone else out there who can put up with your drunken antics and love you even more the next morning.
And you can pretend you don't know the sound of my voice.
And you can pretend that you don't see a freedom in my eyes that you're longing to dive into.
And you can pretend that you don't smile everytime you hear my laugh.
And you can pretend that I didn't give you a reason to believe that Love is alive.

I'll pretend I never met you, and you can pretend that you don't regret not stepping out in faith to take a chance with the only girl that could ever save you.

Whirlwind

'Beautiful' is a word I have heard fall from the lips of many men. 'Beautiful' is also a word I use to decribe destruction.

Oh, How They Sang For You

I looked out the window this morning. The bluebirds were singing. The notes they composed went hand in hand with the words you told me last night. They knew forever wouldn't last, and they knew all of your words meant nothing. I began to sing with them because I had come to know what they had known all along. They had been singing this song every morning for the past seven months while I'd brew french vanilla coffee and scramble eggs, but I wouldn't listen. I still don't want to.


"Regret never was a part of the plan.
But then again, I don't plan well."

100-Feet Plunge

I'm not one to sit back while an adventure goes on before me. That's why I couldn't stay away from you. I took a risk, but you weren't willing to jump with me. Because of this, I can not look at you the same. What happened to your strength and vulnerability? You talk a pretty tough talk, but your walk is as simple and wide as a farm drive. I guess the ones that came before me could have told me that; they're still pretty hung up on you anyway. I'll just sign up for the coveted 'The one that got away' superlative in your little black book.



"If I had the chance
to choose again, I would choose
you and let you go."

That Afternoon

A cold shoulder never looked so enticing. You turn away like it's a routine. How many times have you done this before?

You Wouldn't Believe

You know, in the Bible it says that the angels wonder why God gave man free will. I often wonder the same thing. I can only ask, "What were You thinking? What were You thinking when Eve ate that god-forsaken fruit?"

Sometimes, I swear I hear Him say, "I was thinking of you."

You Are Beautiful, But You Are Not Mine.

You've got something special about you, something really special. But you do not know this. You'll probably never know this. You'll go on in our conversation and not even five minutes into it, you'll smile. Please don't smile because I'm falling for you. It only kills me everytime, and I'm not sure I can take much more of losing my breath at ungodly hours.


"This never happened.
It was all a figment, and
it was all a fraud.
I will tell myself
that you don't exist because
it helps me live free."

The Calm Before The Storm

Your heart is ice.
Your soul is cold.
Your mind is frozen.
Your lips are breaking apart. You've finally felt something warm. You're on your knees fighting the dirt because you want the earth to feel what you feel. You can't seem to throw enough rocks, and you can't get a grip on your prep school t-shirt. Your eyes are darker than the night. You don't even remember what you were searching for.

You're breaking. And for the first time you're feeling what it's like to be human.


"Tell them I'm better.
And they don't have to worry.
These wounds are healing."

Blueberry Juice on a Sunday Dress

She said she couldn't believe you, and you said you couldn't hold her close.
She said there was nothing more to feel and that love had lost its way.
You said there was more to the sky than stars and lonely moons, but she didn't hear you.


"I can't do this anymore" are some of the stupidest words I have ever heard.

Skittles & Starbursts

I used to find coins underneath the couch cushions, and I'd never tell anyone unless they asked. And I used to believe that if I dug a hole, I'd reach China. I even started to one time but stopped when the dirt turned red and black because I thought that was a sign I was getting closer to Hell. I even thought Australia was connected to South Carolina and that one day we'd drive there as a family and see the kangaroos.

But I never thought I'd lose you.
I sat on your lap, and you'd hold me sometimes until I fell asleep.
"Where did he go? Why did he go? Was it painful? How bad did it hurt? Will he still remember me? Can he see me from where he is right now? Can I still talk to him? Will I ever see him again?" These are not questions a seven year-old should be asking her mother, but I asked anway. Because I wanted to know.

I still ask these questions and many more. I still won't smoke a cigarette because you told me not to. I still remember the flag she received because of your service to this country, and I still remember burying my head in my father's lap at your funeral. Visiting you meant a long drive in the car, a warm neck to hang around, and pictures to fill my scrapbook. Visiting you meant the world to me, and my life has not been the same since you were taken from us.

Junk

Tell me stories of long ago.
Tell me something new.
And then tell me over and over again.
Tell me they've forgotten me.
Tell me he'll never remember the secrets of my heart.
Tell me he gave up and moved on.
Tell me she'll come back around.
Tell me she's gone for good.
Tell me you're the one who's come to save me.
Tell me you know me.

Tell me everything's going to be alright, even if it's not. Just tell me.

"She gave up and flew
away into the sea. I
wish she would have stayed."

Chase Them

I wish you told me stories that weren't true because I believe everything you say. And it hurts to know you don't care about a life that I find to be so precious.

I Just Don't Know

Desperation and depravation.
There's a God-sized hole within this heart. It's getting deeper, wider, and longer.
It will never end, and it will never be full.

Tell me, how do the lost get found?

Your Taste Is Sweet

She doesn't know what to feel.
She doesn't know what to say.
She doesn't understand.
She can't look at you the same way she used to.
She can't do any of this because the truth is you don't know what to feel, you don't know what to say, you don't understand, and you don't look at her the same way you used to.



I promise you this won't last forever.
I will come back to you. But you must let me go.

Birds Fly Free

I trust you.
Please tell me I'm not making a big mistake.

Tell Me There's More

I've got my questions, and I've sure as hell got my answers.
I've still got more questions than answers.
I stood along the shore of Your ocean, and I asked You every question in the book.
You said, "There's not enough time, My child."
There's never enough time.


You offered me a cup, and I am still drinking.
This heart aches for healing, and though I may never know it, I won't stop pursuing it.

My Lies Became the Truth

I am not perfect, but I'll tell you I could be.
I am not perfect, but I wear the mask all too well.
I am not perfect, but I try to be.
I am not perfect, and he believed me.
I am not perfect, and yet you question me.
I am not perfect, and still you expect so much more.
I am not perfect, and you still thought I could save you.
I am not perfect, and yet you hold on to my broken promises.

I am not perfect. Why can't you accept this?

He Came To Me

Where there is confusion may there be peace.

What I Saw

I'm sitting here holding you in my hands.
You are beautiful.
You are broken.
You are, at times, indescribeable.
For a moment, I thought I found someone I could trust.
I thought you were different, sweet boy. I thought you were so different from the rest.
And I know that I let my imagination get to me, but what I saw was real.
Could you tell me a secret?
What's it like to touch that which you do not know you are touching?
Because I want to know if it was worth it. What was soft and warm is now hard and cold.
Why won't you just jump? Leap free.
You can not stay here. You are not safe here.

I'm sitting here holding you in my hands.
You are beautiful.
You are broken.
You are, at times, indescribeable.
I want nothing more than to crush you.

Too Many Questions

She'll let you get close.
She will let you hold her heart.
She'll never hurt you.

She will sit with you.
She'll hold your pain and heal your
broken heart. She will.

She'll save you today
and everyday to come.
She holds your answers.

. . . all of them.

Tornadoes and the Beauty They Bring

I think they say, "Time heals everything" because deep down inside no one really knows what will heal them. It's better if we don't know, isn't it?

I need you to accept me.
I need you to not judge me.
I need you to love me.
I need you to drop your preconceived notions.
I need you to hold me. Tight. Tight. Tightly.

Because I'm breaking, falling apart.
And I don't know how to put these pieces back together.

Broken Wine Glasses

You were dressed in beauty. I had forgotten your name.
She hung on your arm like the trophy she is.
Her laugh could only carry so much pain.
But it caught my attention, and there's so much she wants to say to you.

"I don't look the strangers in the eye because they really don't matter that much to me. I only want to see you, and I can only hope that you see me, too. I don't hang on others because I'm afraid I'll slip. And we both know that if I fall right now, I won't be able to get back up. Hold on to me." --This is what she'll tell you on the evening of August 13, 2007 just before she puts her ruby red necklace in her mother's old jewelry box.

Don't criticize her laugh tonight when you get back home. She's counting on you to keep her together.

Fly Free Like the Butterflies

I think I've found the secret to life.
Don't ask me what it is. Remember, it's a secret.

Ocean Waves at Night

She's a hero in her own right. She never casts stones, and she always has open arms. But one day, these arms will be full, full of a weight that she cannot carry on her own.
If this is her destiny, why does she feel all alone? Saving the world was never a part of the plan. But when you're 17, the world is at your fingertips not beneath your feet.

Sail away, sweet girl.
There is nothing here for you.
Freedom will be yours.

Marshmallows That Don't Melt

She sits by the fire and listens to the leaves crackle in the dust. She thinks of you and your tightly woven jeans. Two things she'll never forget: the way you taste on a hot summer night and the cologne that is engrained like a signature on all of your white button-up shirts. Two things she'd like to forget: you're eyes in the moonlight and the hood of your car. Two things written on her heart: your name and broken promises. All she wanted was a glimpse of the truth.

Tonight the man in the moon smokes his cigar as he watches over her. Too bad the man in the moon doesn't heal broken hearts.

A Bridge Made of Straw

I'm not really sure when it happened, but I can tell you somewhere along this road, I tripped and fell. This time it wasn't on purpose, and I wasn't in a drunken stupor. It was a nasty fall, much worse than the blow you took when you were seven and couldn't stay up on rollerskates. It was like every fall you've ever avoided and never wanted:

Uncontrolled
Foreseeable
Doubtful
Hard
Bloody
Unplanned
Dark
...and Lonely.

I would much rather have fallen off the jungle gym, but I got back up because I had found something worth fighting for.


Could we sit awhile?
I want to listen to you
and the quiet night.

Jump Rope

Sometimes it rains on your birthday.
It's nothing new or exciting, but it rains.
She's getting new glasses today.
But you think she's pretty anyways.
Your father only told you he was proud of you once.
And you remember that moment every morning when you wake up.
If your mother were here, she'd kiss you on the forehead while you read the morning newspaper.
She knew she'd never have the chance to see you graduate, but she kept that to herself.
Your brother loves you and looks up to you.
He thinks you're more than he'll ever amount to.
I wish you could see how special you are...And I hope one day to tell you.



To jump really high
would create chaos here now.
But that's what we need.

Cold Winds

During high school, I always dreaded the summer months because it meant school was out and so was responsibility. If there's anything I learned about alcohol, it's that it helps you forget, right? There are a select few that begin to recall exact moments after they have passed their limit. No one wants to be apart of this select few, and if someone is, he or she doesn't tell anyone. Yet for the majority, tequila helps tame the pain.

I never understood insomnia until I met you. I think you had every reason not to be able to sleep at night. You said that you often stayed up late at night so you could write, but you never wrote anything. You were always beginning a new script. You never had one done. You were always writing about a girl and how she had just broken the same guy's heart but each time it was in a different way. I didn't know a heart could be broken so many times.

This girl; her favorite color was red, and she had this contagious smile. She always wore pink lip gloss and a yellow bracelet. Never did she make anyone feel out of place or insecure. She was always dreaming and talking about the sky.

Why did you do this to yourself? Why didn't you just tell me the truth? I'm not saying that I could have changed things, but I know the reason you always drank until you passed out was so that you wouldn't have to think of me for hours before you fell asleep.

Understanding

Innate desires are just that, too innate for our own comprehension.

What You Said...

You always had a way of making me cry when I got off the phone with you. Your last words put a knot in my throat that not even Martha Stewart could tie. I thought you were made of more than cold stones and empty bottles.

Last night, I threw away the necklace you gave me. It was made of cheap tricks and lowercase thrills. I said a prayer for you and hoped that happiness would fill your heart because Lord knows you took all of mine. I don't think it's fair that you won the game, and I don't think it's right that you took the prize.

I know you're not over me, and I know you think of me in the autumn moonlight because slight chills aren't something you're used to. I was the best damn thing that ever happened to you, but losing you saved my life.

I thought.

I thought there'd be more to look forward to besides the dawning of a new day.
I thought I'd never disconnect with my childhood best friends.
I thought only good things happened to good people.
I thought you got what you wished for.
I thought what people wished for would always be good.
I thought I'd never have a reason to hate you.
I thought you cared.
I thought we'd be together forever.
I thought you knew better.
I thought I'd never have to see you again.
I thought it only rained when people died.
I thought I wouldn't be afraid.
I thought you would be different.


I thought wrong.

Merry-Go-Round

I think it's beautiful how the playground we used to play on was demolished just so new offices could go up for the working man. I saw traces of the see-saw Amy broke her arm on because she was trying to create a "balancing act". Metal was stuck in the new sidewalk that leads up the giant glass doors. Important people drink coffee in their offices behind these doors. That same metal scared Johnny's mom into thinking he'd have Hepatits C just for getting a cut on the back of his leg after going head first down the slide. I saw a basketball in the corner street trash can, and I thought the ketchup sliding down it would have made Danny Myer's kindegarten nose bleed look like it happened on purpose. It was an accident, and we all knew Brad Riley didn't mean to swing the bat in Danny's face. Kids don't pay attention; it's not their job.

But then things start to happen that make us pay attention, and we either get scared or we brand together with those around us and enter high school, college, and the real world. I think sometimes I forget to pay attention on purpose because then I won't remember you. The one thing that they didn't take away from the playground was the sand. It outlines the building in a perfect rectangle. I took some of the sand one day and put it in a paper bag. It's on my counter in a clear jar. When I see it, I think of you, and how you slipped right through my fingers. I realize there's nothing I can do to recreate what we had as children, but I will never stop wishing to find a way.

Simply Put and Simply Made

She makes crafts with her feeble hands, and she always puts a cherry on top. There aren't many ways to see the sun, but she always finds a new one. Today she'll walk by the old oak tree on Second Avenue for the last time, not because she's going to die or moving away but because she's found a new way.

Honesty has it's own policy.

And to say too much too soon would destroy the picture of who she thinks you are.
You can't ask her certain questions, and you can't answer questions she hasn't asked you.
There is a freedom in her eyes, and it's taking all you have to resist diving into them.

Kick the Curb

Maybe I'm a fool, or maybe I'm just sorry.
But either way I fell in love with you. And I just can't regret it.

M&M's and Sketch Cartoons

He doesn't like peanut butter in his chocolate; he tells me there are better things by far.
But he doesn't realize how fragile he is.
He can't play kickball for the whole recess; he can only play the first seven minutes. And when he talks to the teachers, they have to kneel down to his level because sometimes his voice is hard to hear. He has to have someone carry his tray for him at lunch, and when he walks in the halls, he has to hold his teacher's hand.

Jimmy is special. But he isn't special because he needs more help than others to perform everyday tasks. He saves people from themselves. He teaches them how to love what they have lost. And he tells us, "It's all going to be okay."

--Somehow, I believe him.

Breakthrough

You're like stealing broken glass. I have no idea why I would do it other than to cut myself.
You're also like jumping off an 80-foot cliff into freezing cold water. The plunge will always be deeper than the jump.
You're like the pretty pink blush I brush on in the morning hoping it'll stay throughout the day.

And me? I'm like the chance you'll never take.

Yellow and Orange

She can't stand to see you smile. She can't stand alone.
Her heart beats better when it is broken.


If she breathes too deep, she breathes you in.

No. Never.

I created my own ocean so I could swim in deep waters without a life jacket. It's not so lonely out here like you think it is. It's quiet, lovely, and dark.

I know that wishing on a star is foolish, but you wouldn't believe all of the foolish things I've done for you.

Cigarette Rims

You're rough around the edges. Little do you know, I know how to burn.

He doesn't like to cry because he thinks it shows weakness. As a tear trinkles the oval of his eye, he looks at me. He thinks his tears will hide him somehow. But I see him. He's fragile. He's tattered. He's torn.

...and he's beautiful.

I'm Still Driving Away

I want to tell you that she's going to break your heart, but it's not my place.

So I'll just sit here and remember the summer
when we jumped from tall trees and swinging tires into the lazy river.
I think the leaves were jealous because we were flying high and free.

Broken Glass Trapped in a Rectangle

Time doesn't heal people. Letting go does.
I just want you to know that it's not easy to look at pictures of you.

Kicking Rocks

I sat on the ledge with you 'til the sun rose. You fell asleep in the midst of your pain and sorrow. I never knew grass and sticks could make such a warm bed. When you awoke, you asked me, "What's the point in waking up if there's nothing to live for?"

You don't know this, but I stayed up the whole night wondering the same thing.

What We Had Was Real

...and authentic.

Never mind the cars that drove by; they just stole your eyes from mine.

Transparency

Knowing another human being in a deep and intimate way is scary. Knowing that they could leave you at any moment is even scarier.

A Collage With Ribbons & Sequins

That mirror broke once before. The pain melted away with it. It subtly returns every now and then.

I painted a picture on the broken pieces. I only used primary colors, but then they all started to blend together. It was colorful. It was beautiful. It was you.

I purposefully didn't piece them back together.

Time has changed you. I've never been a fan of time.

No hug. No greeting. It's as if I woke up on the other side of the bed, and we're getting ready for our 9 to 5's because it's what we do. The money is more than enough and so is the distance between us.

Why don't you think of hummingbirds anymore when you see me? How did you forget my favorite color is purple and that I never wear orange? When did you become a fan of the incandescent? Is it not enough to sit and laugh? Where did your smile go?

I would like to know.

But I had to let go of your hand.
Forgive me for thinking there'd be more to talk about than the grease on our hamburgers and how your sweet tea really isn't that sweet.

When we wake up in the morning, I'll put a mint in your coffee, and maybe you'll taste the memories we used to make.

Orange Juice from the Sun

I drew the clouds in the sky for you this morning. I hope that you see they're connected by something that isn't very tangible. And I hope this reminds you of how we used to be.

I blew kisses in the wind for you as I walked home. They bounced off the trees and landed just below your cheek bone. I dreamed that you smiled because of this.

I wished upon a star tonight. I wished for everything to be okay, but the windows wouldn't close. It was just my luck that it started to rain.

What Only The Stars Saw...

Your secrets got caught in the wind and found their way to my ear. Your words got lost underneath my blouse and found their way to my heart. Your eyes got lost in the daze of mine, and now I don't know what I'm doing holding your heart in my hands.

But your heart--it's in pieces. And every little bit speaks to me.




Your secrets got caught in the wind and found their way to my ear.

Spider Web

IF I could spin around and make you stay, I'd pirouette like a ballerina with the brightest smile on my face and the prettiest pink gloss on my lips. I'd point my toes and leap with my arms in fourth position. I'd keep my back straight and chin up; and I'd land at your feet waiting for you...

Today Isn't Even Over.

I don't want to do this.
I don't have to do this.
I don't need to do this.

But I'm going to do it anyway. I guess that's the funny thing about regret. You always get that giddy feeling before you do something that you know will play over and over in the back of your mind.

I'll play with my emotions before I wrestle with the memories. This time isn't any different from the rest. I always end up pinned down by the last time I watched you walk away.

Could we live again?

I'm walking up to your tomb and calling your name. It's time to live again. I swear I'm not a Savior, nowhere near a saint, but I read somewhere that "love is as strong as death"; and I love you.

Just Ask.

Addictions are easy to hide. Just ask me.
Lies are easy to tell. Just ask me.
Walking away from you and not looking back was the easiest thing I ever did. Just ask me.